Storyofwillemijn

For modern standerds, I come from a big family. I have a mother and father, four older brothers and one older sister. It is very cozy and we are, even tho we are a big family, quite close with each other. We are all very different but we have two personal traits in common; we are all dominant and loud. This sometimes creates an uncomfortable atmosphere.

When I was really young, I never really played with my brothers. They where al way bigger than me and I liked to play alone anyways. Sometimes they teased me, they put me in boxes, in the rabbit hutch, put my head in the garbage bin, or something else. But I don’t and never had seen that as something to be serious about. It is something big brothers do. It is not a traumatic experience for me.

Looking back, I felt more attacked by my mother and sometimes by my sister. They where so happy to finally have a girl again and by that they excepted me to also act very ‘girly’. But I wasn’t, yes I played with barbies but in my own little fantasy world I can play with everything.

I can remember so clearly that my sister wanted to take pictures of me, like a photoshoot, and she dressed me up in the prettiest dress that my mom bought for me and she put accessoires in my hair.
I hated every second of it. I am not your little dress-up doll. I wanted to dress up like my brothers did, in the old army gear from my dad.

Right before I turned 13 my parents decided to move, so I moved with them. We moved from a little city to a village. I felt out of place and I got bullied at school. I was scared to tell my parents and in a schort amount of time i became very depressed. I had panic attacks almost every evening. Once I build up the courage to tell it while we were watching tv. My mom, my brother and I were sitting in the living room and watching tv, I casually told them that im getting bullied and did not feel save. My brother told me that I should adapt/change. That was it. Nothing more. I should change who I was so I wouldn’t get bullied.
Why is he not taking me serious?

A lot of more things have happend. As i am writing this, old wounds are opening up so i dont want to go in depth.

To be short: I don't feel seen by my family and there by not taking seriously . I did not when i was depressed & suicidal, I do not now, now that i am growing in to becoming myself